Always & Forever: For Grandad.

Two years. And I'm conflicted...

May 9th, 2011 will forever be an important date in my life, and in the lives of my family. This was the day two years ago that my Grandad died. And today, as I look back on the last two years, I'm conflicted and thinking many things. 

Firstly, the word "died" makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I'm uncomfortable with the concept? My head knows he is gone in the physical sense, but my heart knows he's still with my in many ways. So, no he's not dead. I know he is still very much alive when good things come my way - like this opportunity to China, and when I talk to my Grandmom and see how well she is doing - I'm so proud of her, and when I look down at my tattoo on my foot and put on my necklace every morning. I miss him very much, but this second year of our loss saw a new stage in my grieving process. 

I can now talk about Grandad without getting emotional, and I think more about the happy times we had rather then his illness and demise in the last few months of his life. My heart is definitely heavy today, and has been for the last couple of days. With every text, message, and email of love I receive, I become more saddened by my reality, but happy to be loved.

 When I think about where I was and the state of mind I was in two years ago at this very moment, I tear up. And I think that's where I become conflicted...why do I do this to myself? Why do WE do this to ourselves? This date isn't like a birthday, or a wedding anniversary. It's not like celebrating Christmas or a reunion. It marks the anniversary of a very sad day in my life. And yet, I know the date is approaching, I prepare myself, and acknowledge it. I become sad, I mourn again, and I find comfort in my family. So why do I recognize it? I know Grandad wouldn't want me moping around feeling these intense moments of sadness because I miss him so much. So this is the promise I'm making him and myself:

Today, it's okay to shed a tear. It's okay to feel sad and miss him. But I will not hide in the dark. I will not close myself off from everyone else. And I will not stand in a puddle of my own tears. I will not feel sorry for myself. I will be proud and happy to be able to say I had such a supportive, loving, and strong Grandad. I will smile because I grew up with a Grandad who was involved in my life in so many ways. I will laugh and smile when I remember the wonderful times I had with him. And I will remind myself that even though he isn't here, he is definitely proud of the places I've been and the places I'm going. This day will be a day of remembrance, not a day of mourning again.

To my family - I would give anything to be with you all today. To remember him, talk about him, and see each other through this day. Sending all my love from Calgary <3


I miss you Grandad. Love you, always and forever: Your #1 Granddaughter.
xoxo

Wild Rose Detox.

Yesterday I started the Wild Rose 12-Day Herbal D-tox.

A friend at work introduced me to this cleanse. She said that it helps kick her sugar cravings and she loses weight at the same time. I have an INTENSE sweet tooth. Since starting Weight Watchers back in November, I have found my cravings for sugar-related items to be more intense. As well, I find I crave a lot of fast food. And with cravings come cavings. And I have caved a number of times in the last month or so. I've tried to get back on track, and I've succeeded most of the time, but the failures and moments of weakness are begining to increase their frequency and I need to take back control. My hope during this d-tox/cleanse is that I will be doing something good for my body - I'll be riding my body of toxins that have accumulated over a number of years, kick/control my sugar cravings, and lose a few pounds in the process. This is all part of the bigger spectrum of my goal to live a healthier lifestyle.

I've been having some digestive issues too in the last few months. I've seen a doctor about it, and neither of us can really pin point what it might be. The pains aren't constant, and they have been happening less frequently lately. However, some times when I eat the pains are so bad the only position I can stay stationary in and it not hurt is the fetal position. My doctor thinks it might be an intenstinal thing. So, I'm also hoping that this detox/cleanse will help to clean things out and start "fresh" therefore eliminating my digestive complications! (TMI? sorry...)

I think the toughest thing for me during this 12-day cleanse will be the diet. It's a gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free diet. No processed food (good bye fast food!) and your intake of certain fruits are limited (no bananas and oranges, my friends). So far, I've found a liking for rice cakes and almond butter. I can still eat my daily intake of veggies and hummus (thank god!) and I can eat apples in the morning instead of oranges. No more coffee (you ARE allowed to drink coffee, but you can't add sweetener) - but I can have all the herbal tea I want! I think I'm going to get very bored of the menu I've created for myself, but I just need to stick it out for 12 days and maybe I'll have taken on some new eating habits that are better for my body! 

On day two, I feel normal. I have to use the bathroom a lot - which I'm told isn't uncommon (TMI? Sorry, again...) I feel energetic, and I already feel like I'm doing good things for my body. In my research, I found a lot of people say day three is the worst day. Others say around day nine or ten. I'll keep you posted...

*image courtesy of wildroseproducts.com

China, Here I Come!

That's right, folks! My life is taking another turn...this time towards Beijing, China! I have recently accepted a teaching position at the Beijing Concord College of Sino-Canada for the 2013-2014 school year. The finer details are still being worked out, and I myself still have some questions to be answered. But I am very excited, anxious, happy, overjoyed, and proud to have made this decision.

I guess I started thinking about this while I was completing my Bachelor of Education degree at STU last spring. Atlantic Education International Inc. came to STU during one of our professional development sessions to present to our class the opportunities they provided to those wishing to teach abroad. When I left the session, I was easily convinced that this was the path for me. But once the excitement and novelty of the opportunity wore off, I became nervous and unsure that I was prepared for such a drastic change and move. So, I put that idea aside and focused on a smaller move to Calgary. I have always thought since moving to Calgary that I made the best decision for me in the long run. I needed to know that I could live independently farther away from home. I think I have proven to myself that I can do so, and I have thoroughly enjoyed my time in Calgary. It's a great city, with lots of things to see and do, and I haven't once for a second regretted making the move out here. 

When I was home for the Christmas holidays 4 months ago, I did a lot of thinking and reevaluating. Being home saw many people asking about my experience in Calgary, how I was doing, what I was doing, and how long I expected to be there. The more I was asked these questions, the more I began to reevaluate where I was and where I wanted to be. One of my best friends, Amanda, is currently living and working in Beijing, China with the same company I have accepted a job with. She works at a different school in Beijing, the Canadian International School of Beijing. Our many Skype dates, Facebook messages back and forth, texts, readings of her blog posts, and viewings of her pictures brought back the notion of applying to teach abroad. It was very evident to me that Amanda was gaining so much life and career experience in Beijing, and I knew I wanted something similar for myself. The night I landed back in Calgary after being home in New Brunswick for Christmas, I Skyped with Amanda for nearly 2 hours talking to her about where my head was at. I was easily convinced that this was what I wanted to do. 

And now, 4 months later, I have interviewed, been offered, and accepted a job teaching high school aged students in Beijing, China! CHINA! I'm moving to China, people!! 

For Grandad. For My Family. For Me.

I'm trying to be a runner! And by trying, I mean I'm working towards a goal. And by that I mean I have been struggling to find some form of exercise that I enjoy and stay motivated to do. I feel like this is a cluster of statements that don't make any sense - but most of the time the activity in my brain rarely makes sense. But I tried exercise videos, and they get boring. I swim - but I don't do it routinely. Gyms frighten me. So I tried jogging/running...and I quite enjoyed it. I love being outdoors, and I love that I am doing something good for my body. And I love that I can see the improvements and my progress. I feel motivated to do more, and I feel motivated to keep getting better. So far, so good! 

This weekend, I did some thinking and wondered how I could motivate myself or set some sort of goal for myself to work towards. At my Weight Watchers meeting this past week, a member talked about how she used to be a cross country runner in high school. She said that she had just recently started WW and decided after 2 weeks to try and run a 5k race. It was hard for her, and she said she was quite astonished at how out of shape she was, but it motivated her to get back into exercising. I know many people who have run marathons and short distance races, and I have never thought of myself as one of those people. But I did some research this weekend, and I found that Calgary has a TON of 5k races and marathons in the city this time of year. But one in particular struck a chord with me...

The Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada does a Spring Sprint in the city that involves a walk, a 5k and 10k race. I knew immediately that I wanted to do this - but I didn't want to do it alone. So I asked a good friend of mine if she would be interested in joining me, and she didn't hesitate for a second. The two of us both have a history with family members and brain tumours and are passionate about this cause. 

On May 9th, 2011 my Grandad passed away from cancer. It started 5 years prior to that as skin cancer, and returned as a tumour in the brain. 7 months of battling, and Grandad's journey with the disease came to an end. Since then, our family has become closer, found ways to cope, and grown as a whole. I have found my own ways to deal with this stage in my life: by wearing a Livestrong bracelet, cutting my hair for cancer patients, writing this blog, getting a tattoo, and wearing a heart shaped necklace around my neck everyday in memory of my Grandfather. Now, as I have become stronger, I find ways to commemorate the memory of my Grandfather that make me happy, and know make him proud. I am running this race for him, for my family, and for me. 

I would love if you could take the time to click the link below and donate to this cause. Your support and encouragement mean a lot to me, and I can feel your love from miles away. 

RIP Grandad. Always and forever. 

To donate, click here!

Hello Again, Vancouver.

It's always nice to get away. Whether it's exploring a new area of your city, or hopping a plane to another city. Taking a vacation is nice - from everyday life and your problems.

Now, I have to say my last 10 days of living can easily be described as interesting, frustrating, and stressful. Amongst the hustle and bustle of work and how hectic it can get sometimes, I was also in a nasty fender bender and have been dealing with auto body shops and insurance companies ever since. What a headache! On top of that, my car decided to stop starting early last week and it remains a mystery to me why this happened and how come it's working fine now. Not going to complain, but I did have a few choice words for my car before she (yes, I've concluded that my baby is a girl) smartened up! I joked with my family and friends that this was life's way of "screwing me over" because I decided to take a week off of work and go away for some me time. I got through, and though the car hasn't been fixed yet and the insurance companies will be contacting me while I'm away - I'm excited to put my Calgary life on pause this week and enjoy some relaxing moments in Vancouver with me, myself, and I (and of course my wonderful Uncle David who I am so excited to see and catch up with again!!)

On the agenda for Vancouver:

- check out the Vancouver Aquarium

- explore China Town

- Easter Dinner with Uncle David and friends

- reading on the beach

- bike Stanley Park (again...)

- shopping!!

- check out the food scene (on my list: The American Cheesesteak Company (restaurant owned by celebrity chef, the late Anthony Sedlak), Cactus Club Cafe (restaurant owned by celebrity chef Rob Feenie), Belgian Fries (featured on the Food Network show "You Gotta Eat Here")) - I'm a nerd!

- so many much needed conversations with Uncle David

- explore, explore, explore!

I'm already breathing deeper and feeling more relaxed thinking about this much needed vacation!

Music Fills My Heart and Soul.

I love music. I love listening to it, I love dancing to it, and I love singing along to it (even if I'm off key!). Everyone has a song (or several) that they connect to. A song for every feeling and occasion. Many of my memories of the past are formed around a song or take place in the presence of music. Parties at 860, road trips to Vermont, sleepovers in high school at Sara's, battling the loss of a loved one, nights out on the town, the list could go on forever. Listening to music is one thing, but being there to hear it live is another. 

Two weeks ago one of my favourite bands of ALL TIME were in Calgary. Tegan and Sara have a special place in my heart. My best friend, Sara, introduced them to me in high school. So many of their songs resonate with me. "Walking with a Ghost" was the first song I heard by them back when I was 16. I always think of Sara when I hear this song. "Where does the good go" reminds me of Grey's Anatomy and how Sara and I spent many an evening watching episode after episode of Grey's in my basement. The whole Sainthood makes me feel nostalgic for my university days and living in Holy Cross. This was when I first saw them live at the Playhouse in Fredericton with Sara and KP. So, when I heard they were coming to Calgary, I asked literally ALL of my friends here if they were interested in going. Thank you, Mollie!

They were amazing. Their quick banter back and forth was the cherry on top of some amazing music. They played ever song I wanted to hear, and man did I ever sing loudly! I danced, I got choked up, and I smiled a lot. I was extremely tired at work the next day, but I didn't care one little bit.

Then, only a short week later, I went to see Maroon 5 with my good friend Jenny. The thought of being in the same place as Adam Levine made me very excited (no one can deny that this man is very beautiful!) I've only ever been to one other big stadium concert, so I didn't really know what to expect. What I didn't know was that there would be a lot of people and a lot of screaming! And I was very right! But that certainly didn't take away from the fun that I had. The concert was at the Saddledome - the big arena that the Calgary Flames play in. Jenny and I were seated at the back way up in the nosebleeds. Thank goodness for Jumbotron's! As soon as the band came out on stage, Jenny and I were on our feet dancing. And there I stayed for the remainder of the night. My voice was so horse and dry and sore for the rest of the night and into the next day. The band played every song I wanted to hear and I had such a good time. Worth every penny and dime. 

I took lots of videos from both concerts and attempted to share them on here, however, my computer doesn't seem to want upload them. Or maybe Blogger is being stubborn. And my pictures aren't that great as it's hard to capture a good shot with the lighting of a concert. But I have the memories...

I'm Still Here.

Hello ladies and gentlemen!

Consider this my formal apology for neglecting my blog as of lately. Life has been a little hectic, to say the least. Changes are around the corner, and I've been preparing myself for them. As well, I've been off having adventures and creating memories - my favourite pass times.

I promise a longer post later about the following things:

- Tegan and Sara concert

- Maroon 5 concert (TOMORROW!!)

- Weekend getaway to Banff

- Upcoming adventure to Vancouver

- Life...

I hope this post finds all of my family and friends well and happy.

In the mean time...my thoughts: