Saturday, October 4, 2014

The Life I Want to Live. Question Mark.

This week is National Holiday in Beijing. We have the week off and so does the rest of China it seems. While I would like to go away for the week somewhere beachy, sunny, and peaceful, I need to save my money for the month I have off in February. So I stayed in Beijing, have been spending time with friends, and focusing on me. The latter activity was not planned in any way, but it has been very refreshing and much needed. 

Amanda and I have spent a lot of time together this week. Talking, laughing, playing games, eating good food, and watching good television shows and movies. In one of our talks, Amanda said something to me along the lines of living the life she wants to live. I often find myself saying in my head or out loud "I wish my life were like that" when I browse the internet, see other peoples pictures, or watch movies and TV. It comes in all variations. Big things like living in New York, taking a vacation to somewhere extravagant, or falling in love with your soulmate. Little things like having matching dinnerware, buying decorations for your home that suit your style, and having Sunday brunch with friends. I find as I'm getting older and sailing through my mid-twenties (ugh, saying that I am in my mid-twenties makes my head dizzy and I become short of breath) that I want different things in life, things that say to me that I'm ready to settle. Which surprises me, because I spend so much of time preaching that I'm not ready to settle at all. 

I love routine. I love doing things that make me feel immersed in the place I'm living in. I love doing things that make me feel like an adult (and saying THAT makes me feel SOOO immature and the opposite of adult). I want my life to be a certain way. I want to get up in the morning and stop hitting snooze 3 or 4 times. I want to come home from work at night, pour myself a glass of wine and read. I want to go out with my friends for happy hour and laugh at the ridiculous things that are said and memories that are shared around the table (I'm writing this while watching "Friends" and maybe that's a bad influence as those people never work as much as the play). I want to stop feeling anxious, stop feeling unsettled, and start feeling like me. Whatever that's supposed to feel like. 

So, I've been reflecting. Looking back on the last couple of years and thinking about what I want this later part of my twenties to be like. I'm going to start being the person I envision. The person I keep pointing at and saying "I want my life to be like that." I'm going to stop worrying about the "what if's" and start treating myself like the 25 year old that I am. Start doing the things that make me happy without feeling guilty or saying to myself "Is this normal? Am I missing out? What would others think?" Because as easy as it is to say "I'm going to stop over thinking so much!" It's definitely easier said that done. 

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