Monday, May 9, 2016

5 Years.

This date always looms over me. And over the last couple of days I've been reflecting, reading old blog posts, and thinking about how I feel. Of course, I feel sad. And I always miss home more than normal today. And, I'm a little breathless and at a loss for words thinking about the reality that it has been 5 years since Grandad passed away.

How does time fly by so quickly? So much has changed in our family, and it makes me sad that he isn't here to see it. I feel like these are the best years of my life recently, and I feel like a completely different person than I was when he died. I've grown immensely, and so has our family. Huge milestones have happened, memories have been made, and journey's have been taken. And I guess I'm in this limbo of feeling sad that he is gone, but also sad that he's not here to be part of our growth. 

And for some people, being "here" doesn't have to be a physical thing. For some people, there is a stage in their mourning where they feel their loved one lost is with them spiritually or in faith. Dealing with Grandad's death has taught me even more that I don't know what I believe. It's very rare, but when I do have a dream about him, I think I feel that his presence in my dream is him being present in my life. "Spiritually." But trying to find happiness and comfort in the idea that Grandad sees what I am doing and he "knows" doesn't work for me. I need him here, in the flesh. I need him here to talk to. I need him here so I can see him. 

Last summer, our family had a little reunion in Saint John. Uncle David came East from Vancouver, and before I fled back to China, we all gathered for fun, food, and family. This. This is when I feel Grandad with us. In the way Uncle Mark smiles and hugs me, the way Brad laughs, the way we dance like fools on the back deck busting a gut laughing, the stories Uncle David tells about their childhood. But most of all, I feel him with us the most when I see how happy my Grandmom is in those moments.  None of this would be our reality if it weren't for her and Grandad. Our successes and growth are reflected in their relationship, their leadership, and their love. 

I love my Grandad so much. I miss him so much. And he continues to be one of the greatest motivators in my life. Always and forever. 

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