NOT Worrying.

Amanda had this print in her apartment the last time I visited. I pointed at it and said "I like that. A lot." Later in the week, she sent me the print. I have since printed it off and placed it on my bookshelf so I see it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (I plan to put it in a frame, but that's not a 5-minute kind of errand to Wal-Mart here in Beijing). 

Life can be stressful. Life can throw all kinds of curveballs. I can freely admit (and people who know me well will agree) that I am a controlling person. I have a hard time letting go. I have always had a hard time giving up control and delegating. I know how I want things to be done, and I can see the finished product ahead, and I feel more comfortable completing it myself then letting others do it because I don't want them to let me down and I don't want to make them feel stressed by my looming over them. How controlling of me was it to say that? And reading it back it sounds so harsh! But I think that (maybe?) other people who have these controlling characteristics like I do can relate and agree. 

Let me rephrase what I mean. I have a tendency to delegate and let others help, and then in the end I tweak and redo things. In return, that probably makes them feel bad, frustrated, angry, and annoyed. And on my end I feel anxious, sad, frustrated, and annoyed. 

So, since seeing this print in Amanda's apartment, I'm trying harder to remind myself to not worry about things so much. To not be so controlling. If you can't fix it or do anything to make it better, stop worrying about it. If you can fix it and make things better, then don't worry about it. Everything gets done in time. Stop stressing so much. 

In fact, I've started showing other people this print in my room when I hear them getting stressy. I don't know if it is impacting them the same way it is impacting me, but I think it's starting to make a difference in my life. 

Print by elisejoy.com 

Book Club: "The Giver"

I've always wanted to join a book club. It's probably that "literature major going to a liberal arts school" bone in my body that causes part of the urge to want to join one. So, in my latest blogpost about how I want to be living my life lately, one of those things was being more involved in the city I'm living in. Feeling more settled and that I live here, not just that I'm visiting for a prolonged amount of time. I decided before coming back to Beijing at the end of the summer, that I'd finally join a book club, something that I've been talking about doing for a few years now. A great way to motivate myself to read for pleasure, to meet new people, and to talk about and discuss good books (#nerdalert). 

Luckily for m, my friend Amanda, who also works in Beijing at another school, was also looking to join a book club and invited me to join some of her work friends at a monthly book club meeting at her school. There's the comfort of already knowing one person, but also the opportunity to meet many others. And we are all teachers, so we have that in common too which makes for great after book talk discussions with a glass of wine. 

This week we had our first meeting. Well actually the second meeting after reading our first book. I didn't attend the first meeting which is when they chose the first book we'd read: "The Giver." I was excited that they had chosen that book. Since the movie was released, it had been on "to read" book list. And now I had the push to do it. 

I first read this book when I was in the 8th grade. I remember when I read it then that I didn't understand it and therefore didn't really like it. Honestly, though I can't ACTUALLY remember, I probably didn't even finish the book because 13 year old me was so bored with it. Now, 25 year old me is laughing at the 13 year old me. But I totally get why I didn't understand nor like it at that age. It was too complex with too many underlying themes and meanings for me to really appreciate this award winning book.

So, point blank: I love this book. It's a short book. Only 180 pages. And while it deals with this "perfect" world with "perfect" people and the "perfect" solution to everything and anything, I found myself having so many different emotions in this little book. Happiness at the thought that the characters in this book don't have to experience pain and anguish and heartache. (Sidenote: I'm a big fan of a good feelings circle. Talking about your feelings, listening to others talk about their feelings, and then discussing what those feelings mean. I'm fluffy and sentimental like that). So, I loved the idea of how it is mandatory for the citizens of this "perfect" world to share their dreams that they had, to talk about how they were feeling at the dinner table, and they never questioned why they had to do so. It is just how their world is, so they do it.

But Jonas (the main character) is different then his family, friends, and neighbours. He questions why things are this way. He knows that the world must have been different at another time. And when he is appointed as the new Receiver, his questions start to be answered and he starts to learn that there is a whole lot more to life then the mundane and routine of his. And so begins his journey, where he receives memories of a time before, where he experiences love, pain, heartache, sadness, overwhelming joy and happiness. He knows things that others don't. And it's pleasure to read how he grows and how he deals with these new memories.

I highly recommend this book to everyone. It is a short read, but it is filled with so much depth and feeling. It was awesome discussing this book with others who love reading as well. We discussed the use of colour in the book, the idea of being released and what it meant, the way the book ended and how it made us feel, and our favourite memories that were described in the book.

Our next book (WHICH I AM SO EXCITED TO READ AND THEREFORE TOTALLY DESERVES THE USE OF ALL CAPS) is Lena Dunham's "Not That Kind of Girl."

Have you ever read "The Giver"? What did you think? What were some of the themes that resonated with you?

The Life I Want to Live. Question Mark.

This week is National Holiday in Beijing. We have the week off and so does the rest of China it seems. While I would like to go away for the week somewhere beachy, sunny, and peaceful, I need to save my money for the month I have off in February. So I stayed in Beijing, have been spending time with friends, and focusing on me. The latter activity was not planned in any way, but it has been very refreshing and much needed. 

Amanda and I have spent a lot of time together this week. Talking, laughing, playing games, eating good food, and watching good television shows and movies. In one of our talks, Amanda said something to me along the lines of living the life she wants to live. I often find myself saying in my head or out loud "I wish my life were like that" when I browse the internet, see other peoples pictures, or watch movies and TV. It comes in all variations. Big things like living in New York, taking a vacation to somewhere extravagant, or falling in love with your soulmate. Little things like having matching dinnerware, buying decorations for your home that suit your style, and having Sunday brunch with friends. I find as I'm getting older and sailing through my mid-twenties (ugh, saying that I am in my mid-twenties makes my head dizzy and I become short of breath) that I want different things in life, things that say to me that I'm ready to settle. Which surprises me, because I spend so much of time preaching that I'm not ready to settle at all. 

I love routine. I love doing things that make me feel immersed in the place I'm living in. I love doing things that make me feel like an adult (and saying THAT makes me feel SOOO immature and the opposite of adult). I want my life to be a certain way. I want to get up in the morning and stop hitting snooze 3 or 4 times. I want to come home from work at night, pour myself a glass of wine and read. I want to go out with my friends for happy hour and laugh at the ridiculous things that are said and memories that are shared around the table (I'm writing this while watching "Friends" and maybe that's a bad influence as those people never work as much as the play). I want to stop feeling anxious, stop feeling unsettled, and start feeling like me. Whatever that's supposed to feel like. 

So, I've been reflecting. Looking back on the last couple of years and thinking about what I want this later part of my twenties to be like. I'm going to start being the person I envision. The person I keep pointing at and saying "I want my life to be like that." I'm going to stop worrying about the "what if's" and start treating myself like the 25 year old that I am. Start doing the things that make me happy without feeling guilty or saying to myself "Is this normal? Am I missing out? What would others think?" Because as easy as it is to say "I'm going to stop over thinking so much!" It's definitely easier said that done. 

My Summer.

What a whirlwind seven weeks at home I had. On the beginning side of it, seven weeks at home was something to be excited about. What a long time that would be! I could see family, friends, take little trips, and surely check off everything on my to do list. SEVEN WEEKS! At home. What a treat! Well, I'll tell you now. I shouldn't have blinked, because those seven weeks flew by just like that *snap!*

First of all, can I just say, jet lag is a...bitch! Sorry for the bad language, I just don't know how I can express my sentiment towards jet lag in any other way. It sucks. No wait, it doesn't just suck, it is awful, no good, and screws up a lot of things. So, after traveling for almost 24 hours, and arriving home in Florenceville at almost 5am (which was 4pm that night in Beijing), I was NOT ready to go to sleep. Mom and Dad collapsed. So, I unpacked, had a snack, watched TV, and puttered until they awoke. I felt like a pet animal chomping at the bit waiting for their family to wake up so we could play fetch - in my case, so I could talk their ears off. I knew I was going to crash at some point, but it was suspenseful waiting cautiously for it to hit. And it hit hard! At about 4pm that afternoon on the way home from running errands in Woodstock. I dragged my feet into my bed and was out like a light. I could have slept until the next day. But I made my parents promise me they'd wake me up for supper. Which they did. I don't remember eating, but apparently I did and promptly went back to bed. For the next week, I was going to bed between 7pm and 11pm and waking up before sunrise. IT SUCKED! But I got through it and had fun in the meantime while my eyes were able to stay open. 

What a memorable summer I made. Mind you, it didn't consist of much relaxing, but rather running the roads and trying to see and do as much as I could with the limited time I had. (Which is a large reason why I did not post on the blog this summer. Oops!) Also, remember how I said at the beginning that I had SEVEN WEEKS at home and it was just amazing and blew my mind how long that was. Well, I take that back. Seven weeks isn't long at all when you spend 11 months of the year in a different part of the world. Nope, not long at all. 

In those seven weeks, I had family gatherings, Christmas in July, birthday celebrations, reunited with friends, went on two short trips to PEI (one with better weather conditions than the other), campfires, bumbles, best friend sleepovers, game nights, rounds of golf (can I just add here, that while I'm in no way a great golfer, I played the best rounds of golf in my entire life this summer), tried to get a tattoo, witnessed a beautiful engagement and a beautiful marriage (two separate occasions and not related), and ate some delicious, delicious, mouthwatering food. While I was able to accomplish almost everything on my to-do list while I was home, I certainly in no way came back to Beijing three weeks ago feeling relaxed, refreshed, and ready for a new school year.

OK! Now, please don't read all of this thinking I'm whining. I know it's coming off that way, and I thank you for pushing onward and continuing to read this far. I envision many people hitting escape and saying "What a brat!" I can't say it enough, I'm so thankful that the company I work for gives me the time off and option to go home for the summer holiday. I'm also so thankful that I work in an occupation that allows me to take that much time off at once. Not many people get to do that, I understand this. And I also know that I am the one who chose to move to China, and I am the one who also decided to come back for another year. But have you heard that saying "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." (In my case, it's more like "You don't know what you've got until it's not accessible anymore"(?)) Well, after living in a foreign country for a year and coming back home to the western lifestyle, I'd kinda forgotten how good it was to live in the same country as the people you love the most, and I'd also forgotten how "easy" life is at home. "Easy" in the sense that the things you like the most in your day to day life are accessible in so many ways. Craving a burger? Go get one. Need a checkup? Go see your doctor. Ran out of milk? Jump in the car and go to the grocery. Easy peasy. Also, being in the majority again is a nice luxury. No more being starred at, having your photo taken unknowingly, not understanding what people are yelling at you. It's pure bliss. I tried to remind myself on many occasions while I was home not to settle. Because I was going to have to pick up and go back to Beijing at the end of August. But the more time I was home, the more trips I took to Fredericton, the more laughter I shared with my longtime friends, the more comfortable I got and the less excited I was getting about going back. It wasn't until someone would ask me about my job that I would feel that excitement and yearning for my life back in Beijing. 

As the final week of my summer vacation was winding down and the packing began, I felt a mixture of sadness, heartache, excitement and anxiety (both the good kind and the bad kind - I HATE PACKING!). It was time to return to my life in China. I was excited. I was excited to see my friends there and share stories of our summer, I was excited to see my students and hear about their adventures over the summer and share in the happiness of reuniting, I was excited to meet my new students and create a new classroom community, and I was excited for the new adventures that would be sure to unravel over the next year of my life in Asia. At the same time, I was sad to leave my family again, I was sad to say goodbye to my friends (because who knows if we'll all be in the same place again this time next year), I was sad to say goodbye to clean air, I was sad to say goodbye to being in the majority, and I was sad to say goodbye to the comfort of home. Ah, the dynamic of bittersweet events. But I'm back, and it's good. It's always good to be back! I love my new students, I'm so happy to be back in the classroom, and trips are being planned for the coming months and I'm so excited for new adventures. 

What a whirlwind seven weeks at home I had. On the ending side of it, seven weeks at home was something to be excited about. But what a short time it was! I saw family, friends, took little trips, and checked (almost) everything off on my to do list. SEVEN WEEKS! At home. What a treat! Well, I'll tell you now. I shouldn't have blinked, because those seven weeks flew by just like that *snap!*

Happy Birthday, Brad!

As my Thursday, September 11th is quickly coming to an end, it's just beginning back home in Canada. And that means that it is my "little" brother's 22nd birthday. I was sure to wish him a happy birthday in China time, and I wished him a happy birthday in Canada time, too (gotta make sure I cover all the bases because believe me, he'd hold it over my head if I forgot it...he's kinda like that!) So, I'm writing this blog post today to wish my brother a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

My brother is a very chill guy. He has said on many occasions that he hates drama. Maybe that's why we clashed a little bit when we were younger, because I can be a dramatic person in that I experience my emotions on an extreme high or an extreme low. Let's just say I am an emotional person and my brother did not inherit those traits in our family genes. He is one of the most laid back, chill people I know. 

Common phrases that come out of my brothers mouth that are heard on a semi-regular basis include (but are not limited to):

"Don't worry about it so much." 

"Meh, I don't know." 

"Masel." (May as well) 

"Whatever."

"I don't care."

"Sure. Whatever." 

Despite  how furious, frustrated, and crazy it makes me feel when he rubs something off or shows no emotions of any kind, I love him nonetheless. However, after being away from home for a year in China and coming back to Canada, I experienced something with my brother that I'll remember perfectly for a long time to come. 

When I saw him for the first time this summer, I was in a bit of a daze as I had passed out on my bed from an extreme case of jet lag whilst trying to will myself to stay awake for another hour or two while I waited for him to get home from the golf course (I had already been awake for 36 hours). When mom came in to my room to wake me up (as I had instructed her to) once Brad had gotten home, I slowly got out of bed, opened my eyes and made my way to the hallway just as Brad was rounding the corner from the kitchen. We both smiled at each other and I said "Hi there!" and we hugged. I didn't cry, but I did have a big lump in my throat. And we just hugged. It was the best hug I had ever shared with my brother. He didn't get awkward and let his arms hang down while I held on tightly. He didn't sigh or huff and puff while I laid my head against his chest. He just hugged me back. And it felt SO good. (Remember, my brother doesn't reveal emotion like this very often - so it was a pleasant and welcomed surprise). We spoke for a few minutes, caught up really briefly, then I headed back to bed as my body was caving in. I walked away and turned around and said to him: "Hey. It's good to see you." And he replied with "You too." It was perfect, simple, but at the same time was full of love and warmth. I remember it perfectly. I remember the tone of voice, the way things were said and what exactly was said. Because for me, it symbolized how much we have grown in our brother/sister relationship over the last 3 or 4 years. It's the relationship I've wanted for us for a long time. And on his birthday, I am filled with so much love, respect, and joy that I get to share this life with my brother, Brad. 

Brad,

Happy Birthday! I am so proud of you. For always doing what you want, how you want, and when you want. For fulfilling your hockey career as you did. For impacting lives the way you do. And for choosing and pursuing a career that is what YOU want to do, not what you feel you HAVE to do. You are an amazing man, friend, and brother. And I am so excited to see what the future holds for you, for our family, and for us. (And don't get made me at me and roll your eyes when you read this with all its gushing, sappy, heartfelt sentiments!)

Enjoy your day! 

xo

Melissa

I'm Back!

I'm back in Beijing for year 2. I'm excited, happy, and so looking forward to this new school year and what the future holds for me in Asia. I plan to do some exciting traveling this year to places like Hong Kong, Xi'an, Japan, and Indonesia. I plan to grow as a teacher and further my knowledge of ESL/EFL teaching. And, I plan to connect with, be inspired by, and make memories with my new group of grade 10 students. I love my job, I love what I'm doing, and I love this experience I am having and I am so happy to be back! 

Coming soon - a post about my summer vacation and time back home in Canada. I know it's been a while since I posted. I wanted to focus on having fun and seeing and spending quality time with all my family and friends back home in Canada. As a result, the blog fell to the wayside. 

Thanks for continuing to read!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad's birthday. I am so happy that I get to be home from China to help him celebrate his birthday and to make him feel just as special as he makes me feel every single day of the week. See, here's the thing...I'll let you in on a little secret: I HAVE THE BEST DAD IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!! Whether it's lending a helping hand to anyone in need, or cracking a joke at the best possible moment which surely makes everyone smile - my dad has the most generous, kindest, happiest soul and I feel so lucky every day to get to call him my father. 

I have written a blog post in honour of my Dad for the last 2 years (here and here - I brag a lot about my Dad). Today, I want to add to the growing list that let's you all in on the amazingness that is my dad. 

Dad, here's to you: 

-- You give the greatest, warmest hugs known to man. I'll always remember how you, Mom and I embraced each other when I arrived home from my first year in China at 3am at the Fredericton airport. We cried, we hugged, and I know everyone around us was jealous of the love our family has for each other. 

-- You have amazing patience. I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I've heard you raise your voice or get red-in-the-face mad. Really, though! You are calm, level headed, and give sound advice even in the most stressful of times. I can't say I inherited every bit of the quality from you, but I certainly learned how to be patient from the best. 

-- You are so kind to others. Maybe that's why you are so fantastic at your career. You offer a friendly face, you bend over backwards for just about anyone deserving of your generosity, and you are loved amongst your family, friends, and community because of it. I so admire this trait about you. 

-- You like good music. That's all. 

-- Our Skype dates I look forward to so much. Mostly because I feel so loved, at ease, and warm afterwards. We never hang up on a bad note. In fact, we always hang up laughing because we've started this whacky, new tradition where we make faces, funny actions, and act like fools until Mom finally says "Ok, love you! Goodnight!" I love those moments. I will always cherish those moments. 

I love you, Dad! Happiest of birthdays to you. May you feel as special, loved, and warm as you make everyone else around you feel. 

xo