Thursday, May 9, 2013

Always & Forever: For Grandad.

Two years. And I'm conflicted...

May 9th, 2011 will forever be an important date in my life, and in the lives of my family. This was the day two years ago that my Grandad died. And today, as I look back on the last two years, I'm conflicted and thinking many things. 

Firstly, the word "died" makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I'm uncomfortable with the concept? My head knows he is gone in the physical sense, but my heart knows he's still with my in many ways. So, no he's not dead. I know he is still very much alive when good things come my way - like this opportunity to China, and when I talk to my Grandmom and see how well she is doing - I'm so proud of her, and when I look down at my tattoo on my foot and put on my necklace every morning. I miss him very much, but this second year of our loss saw a new stage in my grieving process. 

I can now talk about Grandad without getting emotional, and I think more about the happy times we had rather then his illness and demise in the last few months of his life. My heart is definitely heavy today, and has been for the last couple of days. With every text, message, and email of love I receive, I become more saddened by my reality, but happy to be loved.

 When I think about where I was and the state of mind I was in two years ago at this very moment, I tear up. And I think that's where I become conflicted...why do I do this to myself? Why do WE do this to ourselves? This date isn't like a birthday, or a wedding anniversary. It's not like celebrating Christmas or a reunion. It marks the anniversary of a very sad day in my life. And yet, I know the date is approaching, I prepare myself, and acknowledge it. I become sad, I mourn again, and I find comfort in my family. So why do I recognize it? I know Grandad wouldn't want me moping around feeling these intense moments of sadness because I miss him so much. So this is the promise I'm making him and myself:

Today, it's okay to shed a tear. It's okay to feel sad and miss him. But I will not hide in the dark. I will not close myself off from everyone else. And I will not stand in a puddle of my own tears. I will not feel sorry for myself. I will be proud and happy to be able to say I had such a supportive, loving, and strong Grandad. I will smile because I grew up with a Grandad who was involved in my life in so many ways. I will laugh and smile when I remember the wonderful times I had with him. And I will remind myself that even though he isn't here, he is definitely proud of the places I've been and the places I'm going. This day will be a day of remembrance, not a day of mourning again.

To my family - I would give anything to be with you all today. To remember him, talk about him, and see each other through this day. Sending all my love from Calgary <3

I miss you Grandad. Love you, always and forever: Your #1 Granddaughter.


  1. Oh, Melissa. This post is so beautiful. So so beautiful. It's real and honest, and I feel like I can hear you saying all of this -- like maybe we are sitting together drinking tea and talking.

    "When I think about where I was and the state of mind I was in two years ago at this very moment, I tear up. And I think that's where I become conflicted...why do I do this to myself? Why do WE do this to ourselves?" You know this part resonates with me. It's a blessing and a curse to remember dates, I think.

    And that first photo. Wow. I have always loved it. It has always made me feel a mixture of happiness and sadness, if that makes sense. But now. Now it resonates even more. And I'm trying hard not to cry right now.

    I need to hug you big time. Please don't be scared/awkward when I see you for the first time this summer and hug you and don't let go for probably too long and probably cry.

    I love you.

    1. Thank you for this beautiful comment, Amanda. I'm glad that you found a connection between what I wrote and your life. It's nice not to be alone. I love you <3

  2. P.S. Also, I am so SO glad you started a blog.